WellnessWithHolli

Unwired and Face to Face

2011-01-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

It was last summer, but I remember as if it were yesterday,
The image forever etched upon my soul.
A family gathered together sharing Barbeque with close friends,
No technology to fill the space - only conversation and eager ears.

With plates of lean steak, bowls of salads, and baskets of breads passed among us,
The young adults home from college filled their bellies and we ours.
Dad bantered with his grown children and laughter sprinkled over the table,
No technology to distract attention - eyes on the speaker and minds present.

The flow of food and drink continued for hours and yet it flew by,
Family stories told from years past and we too told our own.
Mom's nurturing spirit brought warmth to more delicate conversation,
No technology to interrupt the flow of empathy - each person available for the other.

Stomach beckoned for a pause, but soon deserts galore arrived,
And a calm settled in as the sun started to disappear.
Plans, dreams, and hopes were explored - each one creating a sparkle,
No technology to dim the glow - similar visions captured and shared by all.

Darkness came too quickly as final words embraced the night,
With winks and spars, young adults took their cues to clear and to clean.
Older adults were left to say their thanks, goodbyes, and next-times,
No technology still - only eyes on eyes and arms reaching for hugs.

Walking to our car, I felt full for the first time in a long time,
Realizing that what I devoured was so rare, so missed, so needed.
No social pathogens - just hungry hearts feasting on a buffet of connection,
And savoring each and every morsel of being - of simply being present for one another.

Wellness tip: Spend a few hours every week, or even once a day, where all technology is put away. Talk, listen to, and connect with one another - face to face. Let someone else know that you value them by being present and available for them.

Breaking Through Betrayal

2010-09-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

Hardened Hearts

2010-04-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

Every day there seem to be more and more victims from random acts of cruelty. And the frightening part is that these horrifically insensitive betrayals are not coming from our stereotypical pathological criminals, but from our children's classmates, our next door neighbors, our peers, and our co-workers. What is happening that is causing such a rampant and viral case of hardened hearts?

Although there are probably all kinds of studies and research done on answering such a complex question, it boils down to the sad realization, I believe, that we have become desensitized by the anonymity of technology. Because we can hide behind a computer, or hold an IPhone in the palm of our hands, or capture pictures in the secrecy of our hidden position, we have easily taken on the role of perpetual perpetrator. Too many of us don't think twice about the harm and damage we are spreading when we email, post, twitter, blog, etc. a cruel message, photo, or image of another human being. We do it because we can; we do it because we have detached ourselves from the humanity of another; we do it because we feel no responsibility for how our actions may in fact impact the very soul and spirit of another precious being.

What can one person do? How do we start to penetrate the brick tissue of a society so habituated and conditioned by the cruelties of technology? We do so one person at a time, one email at a time, one twitter or text at a time, and so on. We stand up against such inhumane acts when we are able, and more importantly, we don't participate in them. Above all, when we know that another individual is threatened, harmed, bullied, or disrespected in any way, we must reach out and intervene in any way we possibly can.

Viruses can be slowed and at times they can be greatly extinguished. The human spirit is resilient, but it needs a massive injection of compassion, respect, and dignity for one another flowing through the airwaves to combat the blows from the hardened hearts.

Wellness tip: Before sending any message of any kind, ask yourself, "Is this healing or is this hurting the person/s or situation?" Then, hold yourself accountable for the consequences that unfold.

There is a season for being self-consumed.

2010-02-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

Each one of us experiences tragedy, trails and tribulations. It is part of life. Thanks to the advancements in mental health care and to the acceptance and support of society to advocate for a myriad of recovery programs or processes, we tend to give ourselves permission to take the time we need to heal. This is good. At the same time, there is a tendency to remain in that needy state far too long and it takes its toll on us as well as on family, friends, and other acquaintances. In order to embrace fully our potential for wellness, we must also comes to terms with the idea that there is a season for being self-consumed.

When we are are suffering, hurting, or enduring the most painful and chronic situations, it is absolutely necessary to put our focus inward. Our energy, time, and resources must go towards putting forth every effort possible to address and alleviate our physiological and well as psychological symptoms, manifestations, or disorders. And although there is no time-table for how long we must do this due to the magnitude of situations and their varying circumstances, there comes a point where if we allow our state of self-consumption to define our being, we will lose out on one of the most important pieces of recovery - putting our focus outward.

Although it may feel unnatural and even uncomfortable, it is vital to look outside of ourselves. Start slowly. Start asking yourself questions. What is going on around you? Who or what is important to you? In your own way and given your circumstances, how can you start giving back? Who or what is not available any more? What can be done to initiate contact or a connection? Are there others who are hurting? What can you do to help them? Where is there a need and how can you help to fill it?

Typically, we do not have to look too far to find where we can begin to reinvest ourselves. During our season of self-consumption, others have had to pick up the pieces, do more than their share, or extend themselves far beyond their healthy resources. Perhaps some have had to distance themselves for their own survival, needing to be with persons who had something to give - even if it meant just listening. When we can get our focus off of our own needs, we can begin to see who or what is in need of us.

And when we begin paying attention to those around us, and when we start attending to their needs or wants or injuries, we are fueled and feed on numerous levels. Our spirits are lifted, our souls are nourished, and our hearts are warmed. Our world seems brighter and better. We feel lighter and we laugh once more. There is a season for being self-consumed; but we must not be confined there. Another season of growth awaits our arrival; and it is ours for the taking.

Wellness tip: If you have been in a period of self-focus for a lengthy period of time, consider putting your thoughts, energies, and resources outward, a little at a time. As your world opens up, the healing will continue.

Holidays Can Hurt

2009-12-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

There is an irony about the holidays that many of us find difficult to acknowledge. After all, this is a joyous time; it is not an occasion for allowing one's past or present emotional scars to resurface or to reopen. So, many of us smooth on a heavy layer of denial salve or repress the wounds with strongly bound emotional bandages. And for the few of us who are willing to let the voices dancing around in our heads about the discomfort and anxiety of the holidays come through, it is still an emotional tug-of-war about whether or not to talk about it to anyone. Let's get it out in the open once and for all. There is absolutely nothing wrong in admitting "holidays can hurt."

During the holiday season, many of us find that we are required to be somebody that we really do not want to be or cannot be. Because of social expectations, family traditions, or societal norms, we put on a false persona, or a front. When we do this, we negate our real selves (our authentic selves) and we do not honor our own truths. This is self-devaluing and it breeds bitterness and resentment. Understanding that we must navigate in a world of respect and dignity towards others, I am not suggesting that we unleash our innermost injuries onto others. What I am suggesting is that we take some personal time, each day or whenever we feel the need, to be honest with ourselves about our feelings. If we are sad, admit it. If we are angry, say it. If we are wounded, write about it. While we are doing this, we also need to give ourselves some private time for meaningful reflection, meditation or prayer. When we are ready, we need to release our hurts. Let them go, a little at a time. But, let them go.

Also, it is during the holidays when emotions which are normally contained become easily triggered. Although there are many reasons for this, one simple reason stands out - holidays are filled with memories, good and bad. While it is important to honor our truths and our perspectives, it is equally important to weigh the amount of time and energy we are putting into our pasts, especially if the memories are painful and injurious. While we cannot change the past, we do have control over how much control it has over us. If there is any good to ponder, spend time recalling those times, either privately or with trusted individuals. If there are only painful recollections, we need to honor our truths briefly and again, release their hold on us. If we are revisited by them, let them go again. And again.

Wellness tip: The holidays can hurt. However, how we choose to acknowledge that and how we take care of ourselves in the process can and will alter our experience. We can navigate them with a bitter and hardened heart, or we can embrace them with a well and whole sense of being.

The long road of bitterness

2009-10-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

Jake sits perched upon a large mound of smooth rocks, separated and detached from family members who gather in a half circle on the level dirt mountain ridge below him. Although Jake is a strong man in his late sixties, looking up at him now he appears to be withered, worn, and weakened by his own betrayals in life. As he awaits the commencement of his father's memorial gathering, he readies himself to strike.

Before the scattering of the ashes, family members step forward to share personal stories and meaningful memories of a father, a grandfather, and a great-grandfather. Suddenly, the warmth and comfort of the moment is shattered by the piercing squawk from up above. A constant flow of venomous verbiage floods the open space silencing the words of praise and promise. An eruption of years filled with resentment, bitterness, and blame flame the air and filter through the massive shrubs that surround the family.

Everyone is stunned. There is no weapon strong enough to stand up against Jake's shield of anger. He is right; the family is wrong. Jake never leaves his perch; he never wavers from his position. As he awaits for the affirmation of his victimization; no one offers it. Jake remains alone, accompanied only by his self-pity.

Although family members are quieted by the dominance hovering over them, an invisible bond of understanding starts to form among them. With loving gazes, hands touching arms, and gentle movements guiding one another, the family connects in their loving remembrance. Each one respects the road that the other has traveled in relationship to the man who is being honored. As family members lower their heads in prayer, they are brought together in life, in love, and in loyalty.

As the memorial concludes, an empty awkwardness replaces the preceding moments of closeness. Each family member disconnects further from the tortured soul towering over them. Each one realizes that Jake's path has been different and difficult. But each one's unwavering understanding now turns to a resigned disregard.

The family will continue to make their way down a better road, a road of healing and of a more well place of being. Jake,on the other hand, will continue to travel down a lonely, destructive path. It is a choice he makes every day, and he chooses to blame. Jake allows his betrayal experiences to keep him bound as he drags himself down the long road of bitterness.

Wellness tip: Each one of us has the opportunity to "right being wronged". If we wait for someone or something else to do it for us, we remain in a state of bondage to that other person or thing, and we rob ourselves of the healing experience to reclaim our rightful sense of being.

A Birthday Reminder

2009-10-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

Meredith was regretting her upcoming birthday. It was a day that signaled all that was still left undone and all the she had yet to accomplish. Most significantly, it would be a reminder that it was the start of another year without a partner, someone with whom she deeply desired to share her life. And there really was no one else to blame for that, just herself. With the economy taking a downward fall, Meredith has immersed herself into her work. She took on extra jobs and clients in order to pay bills, to make up for the loss in her 401K, and still to set a savings aside for emergencies and such. Not the work, nor the bills, nor the continual bad news would slow the arrival of her dreaded day - her 60th birthday.

Meredith arranged to take a few days off to visit one of her sisters. After a hectic week at work, she flew to the serene mountain surroundings of family who loved her dearly. Time with them would ease the momentous occasion and all that it signified. Meredith cherished the warmth and comfort that her sister's family provided, filling in the spaces left void by time alone.

On her second full day amidst the serene beauty that nurtured her, Meredith prepared for a family luncheon to officially commemorate her day. At around 11:30 am, other guests started arriving. One by one, special long time friends entered the home. Flying in from and driving from far away places, these loyal women came to honor their friend. Nothing would keep them away. As each one came through the entry way to surprise their beloved friend, Meredith felt her heart swell leaving the void just a little less empty.

Over the course of the afternoon, the house was filled with laughter, love, and large amounts of delicious foods. During the luncheon, each woman took a turn reflecting on her relationship to Meredith, from its inception to its present day standing. Words of respect, admiration, and of unconditional regard towards one another reverberated throughout the dozen or so messages. During the gift giving, it was clear that each woman created a present filled with personal meaning and heartfelt treasure. Meredith's sisters and a close family friend put together a musical skit which highlighted their "growing up years". Every one's tummies ached from laughing, not just at the words but at the talent before them.

The afternoon lingered on with a warm coziness filling the room. No one wanted it to end. As Meredith dried the tears from her face and looked around at her circle of longtime companions, she realized how full her life was. The ache inside her melted away, replaced with gratitude and blessing.

This 60th birthday indeed took on new meaning. No longer was it a reminder of what Meredith didn't have or hadn't done; it was a birthday to celebrate loyalty and love. She had them both in abundance. What a perfect day.

Wellness tip: When you are having a difficult day or going through a hard time, find comfort in being with those who treat you with love and respect. Allow their presence to lift you up.

A Family United

2009-10-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Patty's family is not unlike many families in the valley, or even throughout the state. She is working a full time job trying to keep the family afloat. Due to an injury on the job, Bill, Patty's husband, is on the disability. Two weeks ago, one of their three grown children moved in with Patty and Bill. After being laid off from his construction job and unable to find work anywhere, their son, Brett, humbly moved his wife and two small children into his childhood home.

Although Patty is not one to complain, having four more people in the house to care for was a bit overwhelming. In addition to the added housework, increased food bills, and diminished lack of privacy, Patty wasn't sure if the family could get past the hurt and bitterness of Brett's sudden departure from the family home years previously. Brett's teen years of rebellion, drug experimentation, and complete irresponsibility had taken their toll on both Patty and Bill. It wasn't until Brett married and started a family of his own that Patty and Bill found some common ground on which to build a new relationship. Still, the tension was in the air even though no one spoke of it.

At a community play over the past weekend, a friend of Patty's bumped into her. They actually ended up sitting next to one another. It didn't take long to catch up, both filling the other in on all the changes in their lives. Both were experiencing the stresses and strains of the broken economy, of unwanted changes, and of untimely sacrifices. As Patty began sharing the story of Brett moving home, she found herself smiling, even laughing.

Patty described how all six of them, even the little ones, had settled into a comfortable routine. Brett was outlooking for work every day and finding odd jobs here and there. His wife was up early each morning feeding the kids and getting Patty's breakfast and lunch ready. When Patty got home from work, the house was clean and dinner was on the table. Patty started to chuckle. She described how the children, ages one and three, were sharing a bedroom. Just a couple of nights ago, after everyone was asleep, they all heard a loud thump, a small cry, and then giggling. As the adults all raced to the children's bedroom, what they found was precious. The one year old had learned how to get out of her crib, drop to the floor, and climb in bed with her sweet brother. Telling the story, Patty felt her heart swell with joy while her friend handed her a tissue.

As the lights dimmed and the music began, Patty wiped the tears from her eyes. Difficult times had brought about imposed change. A family united was reaping the rewards.

Wellness tip: Economic hardship is hitting us all. Seek to find ways to move through it with grace and dignity. And, ask for help. Allow others to do so.

Do You Know Betrayal?

2009-09-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

There is not a day that goes by without someone, somewhere experiencing betrayal. We cannot pick up a newspaper or magazine, turn on the Internet or the TV, or listen to our friends, family, or colleagues without witnessing the aftermath of betrayal's forces. Whether the devastation is financial, relational, physical, emotional, professional or even environmental, none of us is immune to its boundless infectious impact on our lives.

Most of us navigate through the storm, somehow and someway. Most of us are told to forgive, to move on, and to trust again. Most of us are told "to give it time" and it will heal. We do the best we can, but most of us are never quite the same. We feel less than, we have less than, we "are" less than we were before the betrayal.

Can you relate to any of what I am suggesting? Have you known or do you know betrayal? Have you struggled to move through it and past it? Have you been scarred by its acquaintance?

I want you to know that it is my passion and my mission to reach out to others struggling through betrayal issues of all kinds. I have been interested in this topic for over six years and have authored a book -Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering the Peace Within (fall 2009). The driving force behind writing this book is to bring release, relief, and renewal from the bonds of betrayal.

The purpose of this blog is to bring encouragement and hope for those of you whose lives have been re-landscaped by betrayal's cyclone. The damage can be arrested and repaired; room can be made for new growth; and we can reclaim our rightful sense of self.

"I believe, know, and trust that wellness awaits each of us. We choose the time."

Holli Kenley, M.A., MFT